“All relationships take work,” but not all work is good
One
of the things that kept me in a bad relationship longer than I should
have stayed — and what keeps a lot of us in bad relationships longer
than we should stay — is the unfortunate phrase:
“All relationships take work.”
And it’s ugly cousin phrase:
“All couples fight.”
It’s not that I had never dated before or that every dude before him had been just as bad, because I had, and they weren’t.
It
was more that many of my previous relationships — especially my high
school sweetheart, whom I adored — were the makes of fantasy lands. We
“never fought” and it was “easy” simply because we didn’t have a care in
the world — our entire universe consisted of little more than deciding
where to eat lunch, which movie to watch, and who would finally hang up
on the other — after endless “I love you’s” — first.
I
knew I didn’t want to live forever on puppy love alone. I knew I wanted
a grown-up partner. Someone I could be serious with. Someone who shared
my aspirations. Someone with whom I could share real struggles. Someone
who wanted more than to settle down into a white picket fenced house
made of gingerbread and tickle fights.
And
I thought being in an adult relationship meant taking the bad with the
good, and that part of the bad meant ugly fighting and contempt.
“All couples fight,” but not all fights are good
Contempt
is a red flag. Resentment is a red flag. Name-calling and low blows and
emotional warfare are all loud and proud red flags.
Maybe this sounds obvious. Or maybe it sounds like fantasy. I can understand either way.
Because I’ve certainly agreed with both at different points in my life. There have been times where I thought, “I would never be hateful towards my partner,” and other moments where I thought, “everyone hates their partner from time to time!” (Because, I mean come on — it’s in the sitcoms! And if it’s good enough to be a running joke across all our mass media, I figured it was good enough for me.)
It’s not. It’s not good, to fight this way. To see each other this way. To hate, even for a moment. There is a better version out there, and if you decide you want it hard enough, you can have it, too.
And after having it both ways, I can decidedly tell you: pervasive love and care and kindness — pervasive even in times of anger or frustration or disappointment, and probably especially so! — is
totally and mind-blowingly worth it, and when you’re lucky enough to
have it — both extend it and receive it back — you’ll wonder how you
ever almost settled for any other way.
All
couples get upset. All people have disagreements, frustrations, human
emotions that don’t perfectly coincide. The difference between “good”
work and “bad” is how you channel this, and whether you see each other
as partners or opponents against whom you want to win, overpower, or be “right.”
#1: It shouldn’t hurt
Not
overall, anyway. Not when you stack everything up. When you measure
everything at the end of the day, the good should
decidedly — immediately, irrevocably, undeniably — outweigh the bad.
When you look at your relationship overall, it should bring you way more happiness than pain. Like way way more.
Not all the time and not every moment and not every day or even every
week or sometimes even for a whole month straight, in real bad times.
Because — especially if you’re in it for the long haul — y’all are going
to hit some shit, and you have to be fair about that.
It’s
not all cupcakes and rainbows, and it shouldn’t be. But when you look
at the big picture, all at once, it should feel more good than bad.
#2: It should be proactive and “maintenance,” not reactive and “damage control”
The
work should feel easy, composed, calm. It should be laying groundwork
for the future and doing loving things in time of peace, not cleaning up
after each other after blowing up in each other’s faces after bottling
for two long and then having to apologize.
And
just to be clear: if you are extending 110% of the effort — “more
effort than them,” which is a red flag mindset all its own — but are also the one blowing up sometimes, then you are part of the problem.
Don’t
codependent at this. Don’t “manipulate” at this. Don’t emotional
warfare. Don’t be the one who thinks you’re a great partner because you
actively and aggressively show up most of the time — if you’re also the
one tearing it down some of the time.
Show up all the time. Show up even when you’re upset. Be proactive and put in the effort, especially when it matters most.
Future you will thank you.
#3: It should be a labor of LOVE
You should want to put in the work — in the same way you want to
work on your car, or work out, or go through the painstaking task of
making a butter pie crust from scratch, or whatever else it is that you
enjoy.
It should take effort, but the effort shouldn’t “feel” foremost like effort.
It should feel — foremost — like love.
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