“By the way, I love you.” That was how Blessing confessed to me.
Funnily
enough, that day I had planned to confess too. To Mary,
the girl who could make me blush just with her breathing, who taught my
heart to hurt itself, who put me on a diet of food and sleep
deprivation.
Who sat right on my left in class.
With
the bell still echoing in my ear, I watched Mary tie her
raven-black hair into a ponytail, stuff her stain-free books into her
shoulder bag, and brush eraser crumbs off her plaid skirt.
This time I wouldn’t let her go. Not until I’d disclosed my feelings to her. Not until—
“Zuse?” called out a voice.
I turned to face Chizuko, the girl who sat on my right.
“Excuse
me, can I borrow your notes?” She tucked a strand of her chin-length
hair behind her ear, only for it to pop out again. “I got sick last
week. Same with my friend who attends this class. Guess I gave it to
her.”
“No
problem.” I handed her what she wanted and waited for her to depart.
She rarely spoke to me. Why did she have to do it today of all days?
“Big
thanks.” Blessing hugged my notebook as if it were a puppy. “I’ll give it
back to you tomorrow.” Seeing me nod, she hopped across the classroom,
waving goodbye. Just as she was about to reach the door, she swiveled
around and said, “Oh, by the way — I love you.”
Mouth
agape, I watched her plunge into the blinding sunshine, leaving a cloud
of confusion in my head. A cloud I needed to blow away.
When
I arrived at the school’s entrance, I saw the two girls: Mary
trotting toward the bus stop on my left and Blessing ambling along the
sidewalk on my right. What to do, what to do? One path would reveal the
result of the love confession I’d make. The other would reveal the
mystery of a confession made to me.
After a few moments of doubt, I came to a decision. The right one, I hoped.
“Blessing!”
I darted to her while she peered at me with her narrow eyes. Once in
front of her, I asked, “Did you tell me that you loved me?”
She gave me a quick nod. “Yup.”
“But you said it in the same tone you’d use — I dunno, to talk about the weather.”
“So, what’s the right way?”
“At least you should’ve been nervous …”
“Not really,” she said. “Because I knew you’d reject me.”
“Why were you … so sure?”
Blessing smiled, tilting her head to the side. “Because you love Mary.”
I gawked at her. How did she know that?
“So
when I shared my feelings with you, I did it without hope. I’d given up
from the start.” Standing on her toes, she peeked over my shoulder. “By
the way, weren’t you going to share your feelings too?”
“Okay, how do you know that?”
“I sit next to you, remember?” She waved her finger at me like a police baton. “You try to confess your love to her every day.”
No, impossible. Could someone I barely interacted with know so much about me? She might as well be my guardian angel.
“Oh, Mary is leaving.” Blessing lowered her finger until it pointed to the bus stop.
I
looked back as Mary climbed into the bus and melted away in the
ocean of cars and pedestrians crossing the street. I’d lost my catch.
Again.
“Whoops.” Blessing stepped next to me. “Too late.”
I sighed. “Yeah, she’s gone.”
“I have to leave too.” Blessing glanced at her silver Hello Kitty watch, then raised her hand. “See ya.”
“Wait, you can’t say ‘I love you’ and just leave.”
Blessing blinked her tiny eyelashes. “So what should I do now?”
“At least hear my reply.”
“All right.” As if preparing herself to listen to a long story, she slumped down on the bus stop’s bench and said, “Go ahead.”
I
sat next to Blessing. Our knees almost touched, so I wriggled a few
centimeters away from her. “You see, I’ve been in love with Mary
for nearly a year.”
“I know that,” she said with an unreadable poker face.
“So I can’t date you.”
“And that too.”
I slapped my forehead. “Please don’t take my rejection so lightly.”
“What do you want me to do? Jump into a river?”
Right, why was I doing this? People didn’t like to see others suffering — except if they were suffering for them.
Consulting her watch one more time, Blessing hopped off from the bench. “I really need to get going.”
“You have something important to do?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t prying too much.
“Just a little business to take care of.”
“Then let me walk you home,” I offered out of guilt — although this girl didn’t appear to be affected by her unrequited love.
Blessing stared at me with eyes that seemed to have found something they had
once deemed as unreal. Belonging to a fantasy. Finally, beaming broadly,
she said, “Deal.”
Blessing and I took the path along the River. Sometimes, when the mood
struck me, I would sprawl on the sloping grass and watch the ducks sail
along its waters. Other times, I would walk back and forth across the
Bridge. Going from left to right, top to bottom — that was my life.
Now I was moving in a straight line, though I still had some knots in my head.
“We’ve only spoken a couple of times.” I looked at Blessing’s profile. “How come you became, uh, interested in me?”
“It was love at first sight,” she said, like before, as if she were giving me a forecast. “Or I should say, at many sights.”
I averted my eyes, my cheeks heating up. “But I’ve never seen you looking at me.”
“That’s because you never look at my direction.”
“Right.”
Lately, I’d been too focused on Mary to pay attention to the rest
of the world. “So that means you know a lot about me.”
Blessing nodded. “You always have bed hair on Mondays. You never eat the bell
peppers in your lunch boxes. You like to hang out alone at the
Bridge.”
I
returned the nod. Strange, having a pair of eyes on me should have
unsettled me. But no, somehow it filled me with comfort. Happiness.
“I also know details about Mary.”
This opened my jaw. “Like?”
“You
always look to the other side when Mary glances at you. You often
follow her to the bus stop and sit next to her.” Blessing squinted until
her eyes formed a perfectly straight line. “You once stole her used
tissues from inside her desk.”
“I was — cleaning her desk,” I said, as though this made any sense.
“Don’t
be ashamed.” Mary giggled into her hands. “It’s cute. I’d be flattered
if someone took my used tissues.” She lifted her face. “So what did you
do with Mary’s? Put them in a treasure box?”
“Okay, okay. Can you stop talking about Mary? You seem to be the one in love with her now.”
She snickered. What was this girl so happy about?
It
took us around twenty minutes to reach the Bridge. Standing at its
end, Blessing pointed to a condominium guarded by a flaming cherry blossom
tree and fenced by gleaming front yard hedges.
“Here we are,” she announced. “Thanks a lot for walking me home, Zuse.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“It is. I’ve been looking forward to this since the beginning of the semester.”
I
gazed at Blessing, suddenly seeing myself in her. So, while I dreamed of
being with Mary, someone dreamed of being with me. Why didn’t I
keep my eyes more open?
As
if having completed a difficult job, Blessing stretched her arms toward
the sky. “And tomorrow is your turn to make your wish come true.”
“My wish?”
“Going
on a date with Mary.” She let down her right arm, keeping the left
one in the air. “Go for it! I’ll be cheering for you.”
“Sure you’re okay with it?” I scratched my moist temple.
“Of course. You and Mary together — that’d make me jump with happiness.”
I had never met such a crazy girl. Crazy for me.
The
next morning I could neither focus in class nor distract myself. Not
because of my upcoming love confession to Mary, but because of the
one Blessing had made to me the day before.
When I looked at her, she mouthed a silent, You can do it! with a thumbs up.
“It’s easier said than done,” I whispered.
Blessing scrunched her eyes. What did you say?
“Forget it. I said nothing.”
Could you say that again?
I gave her a never-mind wave of the hand and turned to Mary — or rather, to her empty desk.
“Whoops,” Blessing said, “she left.”
I accompanied Blessing home. No, it was she
who accompanied me — through my failed confession, through my
self-inflicted heartbreak. I wanted to thank her. But for some reason, I
didn’t dare.
“I’m sorry.” She concealed her face by looking at the River. “I distracted you again.”
“It was my fault,” I told her.
“What?”
“I talked to you because I was afraid to talk to Mary.”
“Oh.”
“You know, I envy you,” I said, “for being able to confess your feelings without second thoughts.”
“I
know!” Blessing held up a finger in the air; I could almost see the light
bulb above her head. “Why don’t you assume that your crush will reject
you. Like me?”
I guffawed. It was a crazy idea.
One that just might work.
Mary had already tied her hair into a ponytail and gotten on her feet.
With
ant-sized steps, I followed her through the school entrance and sat
next to her on the bus stop bench. How many times had I done this?
Twenty? And on each occasion, I let panic flood in and drown out the
rest of my feelings.
Not this time; I would employ Blessing’s anti-fear-of-rejection tactic.
After taking a big lungful of air, I called out, “Mary?”
She
gazed at me with the two rising suns she had as eyes. In a split of a
second, they snuffed out my courage, made me sweat. No, I couldn’t run
away. Not after having made it this far.
“S-sorry to bother you,” I began, my heart pounding a mile per millisecond. “I-I’ve been wanting to tell you something.”
Mary blinked her long eyelashes, waiting for my response.
“I … I … you … c-could you lend me your notes? I was … sick today.”
“Today?” she blurted. “I’m sure you were in class today.”
“I mean … yesterday.”
“You also came yesterday.”
I hit my forehead with my palm.
Luckily, Mary, for some miraculous reason, laughed. “You’re so funny.” She
fumbled inside her shoulder bag and held her notebook in front of me.
“Not sure why you want it, but here you go.”
With shaky fingers, I received it. “Thanks, I’ll give it back to you today. I mean, tomorrow.”
Mary chuckled. “You’re really funny.”
The
bus arrived with a hiss. After waving each other goodbye, I watched her
board the bus, unsure whether to feel happy because I had finally
talked with Mary or bad because I hadn’t told her what I was
supposed to.
Only one thing I knew: I had disappointed Blessing.
I glanced around but didn’t see her. Right. Why would she want to see me confess to another girl?
But where did she go?
That
same evening, I visited the Bridge. Truth be told, I didn’t go that
often. I only went when I wanted to escape from my thoughts. No matter
how much I walked, though, I never managed to do so.
When I reached the middle of the bridge, I spotted someone leaning on the railing. Short hair, small eyes, school uniform.
Blessing.
A shuddering terror struck me as I recalled her words. What do you want me to do? Jump into a river?
The
next few seconds passed in choppy fragments. Me sprinting toward Blessing.
Me grabbing her from behind. She jolting around. We facing each other.
Once time recovered its fluidity, I asked, “Blessing what were you going to do?”
Blessing bit her lower lip, facing down. “I told you. I gave up from the start.”
I clasped her trembling shoulders. “But this is stupid.”
She flashed me a smile, her eyes morphing into two crescent moons. “I’m just messing with you.”
I stepped back, keeping my hands on her. “You sure?”
She nodded. “I was mentally prepared. I knew you’d succeed with Mary one day.”
“So you saw me …” I dropped my hands to my sides. “But I think you didn’t see the whole thing.”
“I suddenly had a craving for chocolate milk.” Blessing’s lips forcefully curled up at the ends. “Why? Didn’t it go well?”
I shook my head.
“Oh.”
“At
least I talked to her — something I’ve only dreamed of doing.” With
clammy hands, I held Blessing soft ones. “And it’s all thanks to you. You
cheered me on, accompanied me, taught me how I can overcome my fear of
rejection.”
As though they had burned her, Blessing let go of my hands. “No, I don’t deserve your gratitude.”
“Why?”
She
twisted around and fished out my notebook. Passing it to me, she said,
“I didn’t need this. Everything was a plan to stop you from confessing
your love to Mary. I couldn’t stand the thought. It was ripping me
apart.”
Blessing wiped a tear from her pale cheek.
“But
then I realized how selfish I was. I told myself, ‘Mary makes Zuse smile as much as he makes me smile. Why am I trying to take that
away from him?’”
I
flinched at the hornets stinging my heart. “Don’t feel so bad. You also
used my notebook as an excuse to talk to me, right? And to confess your
feelings?”
Blessing nodded, drying another batch of tears. “And now that I’ve finally
achieved my goal, I can let you go.” She stepped closer and buried her
head in my chest. Her scented hair tickled my nose. “So please be
happy, Zuse, and make Mary happy too. I’ll be watching you from
afar — I mean, right next to you.”
“Blessing …”
I said, but no more words came out. I didn’t even have thoughts. All I
had was a painful hollowness in my core. The kind of feeling you have
before letting go, for the last time, the hand of a lover you still
cherish.
However, Blessing had opened my eyes and heart. Especially my heart.
It was time to give it to the right person.
I
couldn’t sit still on my chair. When was the last time I’d been as
nervous as this? I couldn’t remember, perhaps because it was my first
time.
All
I could do was to watch, frozen, as Mary fastened her high
ponytail, swept away the rubber residue on her skirt, and shoved her
notebook — which I had already returned to her — into her bag. Next,
waving me goodbye with a smile, she glided out the door.
Now was the time.
“Blessing?” I called out, facing her. The right direction all along.
She looked up from her notebook, unsuccessfully brushing a strand of hair behind her. “Yes?”
With
my heartbeat in my throat, I rose from my chair and stepped toward Blessing, until all I could see were her dreamy, monolid eyes.
I would do it this time. I would confess my love to Mary.
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